Garyclarkk's Blog


It is psychological.
January 18, 2015, 1:35 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Everyone goes through ups and downs. Last 3 months have been tough. Work has become tedious. Bills have become outrageous. The money I work so hard for and have had to….. Relinquish is getting unbearable.

Ok enough for the self pity.

Because that’s not the real problem.

The issue that’s causing high blood pressure, and unbelievable gastro-intestinal difficulties is caused be walls. And shields.

I let them both down last year.

Sometimes I am so much like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, it’s like watching myself on TV.

I’m actually pretty smart. I sat in 7’th grade math as a first grader. I tutored the Senior basketball ball player of the year when I was a sophomore. I skated through college with a 3.78. Never cracked a book, too busy playing baseball.

But with people it’s different. I have all the social graces and sophistication that my doppelgänger Sheldon has.

As y’all know my marriage ended terribly bad. No way I can explain the effort I put into it. Trying to make it work when I heard on a daily basis, “I’ll take Alex and everything you own.” Tried to make it work even though I had hands around my throat trying to strangle me. Trying to make it work even though I slept with my bedroom door shut because I didn’t want to wake up with a butcher knife in my chest.

But everything turned out OK because I got Alex.

But during all that I built up walls and shields. There’s only so much complaining and degrading a man can take.
I debased myself for years, but it was ok, because I got Alex.

I swallowed criticism and hatred towards me, but I got Alex.

The whole time the walls and shields were built higher and stronger.

I met someone a couple of years ago. We got along really well. Didn’t see each other a whole lot until last year. Dated her steadily for months.

All the time the walls and shields were crumbling without me being conscious of it.

And then the Sheldon in me took over. She said something while we were out drinking one night. Said something else when I took her back to my place.

Did I hear what I thought I heard about the bar? Yes, but it didn’t make any sense to me. Later, did I hear what I thought she said? Probably. But out of my mouth, came a Sheldon response; logical with no social understanding at all.

For 2 weeks I agonized over response.

My worse fear it to disappoint someone.

Who am I to make a big decision for her? She knew what she was getting into.

So…..

Decided to allow her to make her own decision even though it was an extremely big step for me.

Two weeks later we go out again. I was ready to to make a big step.

Picked her up. Something was obviously wrong. I didn’t understand I though I did…. Probably not

After dinner we went to a place of her choosing. Walked in. I knew the owner and several other people. The vibe was all wrong. Very wrong.

So I postponed the question . Soon afterwards I hear something that totally…completely…..utterly negates everything I thought I understood. So I put the question off.

The night ended completely opposite of what I expected.

Did I misunderstand?

Maybe.

An ill worded text from me made things worse. Freudian slip at its very best.

I screwed up up. Real plain. Real simple.

And it bothered me.

Bothered me that I could make such a stupid mistake. Bothered me by the response I got. Bothered me a lot

But I didn’t know how much until yesterday. As I mentioned, I’ve been feeling awful…. to the extreme. The logical part of me understood the stress and the reason for it. The…..non-logical part refused to admit it.

But I knew. I always knew.

But did I really????

I just don’t know. Alex consistently says that I overthink things. And I do. Oh yeah, I really do. 90% of the things I say and do have secondary meaning or are just a vehicle leading towards a point I’m really trying to make.

So was all this in my head????

Could be. I’ll know soon

But it really doesn’t matter all that much anymore.

The walls and shields are back up.

So regardless….. There will be closure

Soon

Now, why I have waited so long to bring all this out????

Mowing.

Trimming trees with a hand saw

Sunshine

I spent all day working. Completely engrossed in what I was doing. Pretty much have to concentrate when on the top step of an 8-foot ladder holding unto a limb with one hand while swing with the other.

Sat down after 5 hours (45 minutes of basketball with Alex) and realized that my blood pressure was normal and my stomach hadn’t bothered me all day.

I exercise a lot, but this was different. It wasn’t a gym. I. Was outdoors, in the sunshine. I was free. (See what I mean by multiple levels of meaning?)

The walls are back up, but they are smart walls now.

We’ll see where Me and Sheldon go from here.

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